Kwik-Faks[tm] For The Impatient: Trump Tests Negative

Trump tests negative for coronavirus as questions mount over his personal risks in face of pandemic 

Kwik-Faks[tm] for the impatient:

  • Trump has tested negative for the novel coronavirus.
  • Trump was seen stomping around the White House today, proudly brandishing a white folded piece of paper, and bragging about how negative his test results had been.
  • Trump then held an impromptu press conference in which he went on at some length about how his tests were the best, that he tested better than anyone on Earth, and that he was thinking of becoming a doctor so he could administer negative-result tests to other world leaders, or something to that effect.
  • Trump eventually unfolded the piece of paper, which turned out to be the words "Presadent Trump tests 1000% Negative" written in crayon.
  • White House aides lined up to take turns at the podium, praising the President on his good health, and how clever he had been to get such an astoundingly negative result.
  • Trump then roughly shouldered an aide aside so he could get back to the podium and talk some more about the result.
  • A few minutes later, Trump referred to the virus as "the Asian virus", at which most of the audience looked at each other uncomfortably, although nobody said anything.
  • Shortly thereafter, Trump began to imply that he was now immune to the virus for as long as he held the piece of paper.
  • Members of the press couldn't let that slide, and began to question the President on his stance. He began angrily to double down on the assertion, seeming to suggest that his immunity was powerful enough to protect other people present in the room with him.
  • Vice President Mike Pence then distracted the President away from the podium with a promise of cheeseburgers being delivered to the Oval Office.

Location: Waikoloa Village, HI, USA

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